The Cherry Radish

And so he said to me, “these cherries taste funny.”
For a moment I just held my breath and wondered how he could mistake a radish for a cherry
then I remembered
And decided to just say
"I know."

Happy Summmmer Tiiiiiiiimmmmme

I am just about to break into one of my alltime personal favorite songs....Summertime, and da livin is EEEEEEZZZZZZZEEEEEE.
To be honest, all weekend I was thinkin of me and my friend Pam, back in tha day of baby oil and iodine...bakin....and bakin....and layin on those godawful foil blankets that promised to tan you even under your chin...and between your toes and help you loose 10 pounds in the doin. It is a wonder we are still alive and not some giant cancerous poka-dot on the face of the earth. I have a great story to tell about that but right now I just want to say that there are benefits to the sun and bein someone in the field of health and all....I just wanted to share...today, cause it's Summmmmmmmer Tiiiiimmmmmme!
There is a story brewin...most of you know it, but you will just have to wait.

Thank you Miss Universe

A tale of pure selfishness and pleasure seekin

Miss Universe came to the Teena’s on one of our “outins” to Boone to see the Universal Mother. When we arrived, the usually subdued little college town was all abuzz with what seemed like a zillion perky, “look at my midriff” younguns arriving for freshmen orientation. So needless to say, all thirty-seven parkin places “down-town” were taken. Now you have to understand that we had to stop and get a quick martini prior to visitin the Universal Mother because she does not allow for imbibing at her sanctuary and house-o-healin. Eatin, yes, there is always plenty of chickin and dumplins, white gravey, sausage, pound cake, fresh veggies from the Farmer’s Market and apples…apples…and more of the best fried apples that ever lived to be sliced. But no..and I mean no “bean-dust” is to be brought into her sanctuary. Now if there is one person that a Teena bows down and gives glory, it is “The Universal Mother.” However, that doesn’t mean that we don’t have one for “the honor” prior to our arrival. But on this day of freshman and wo’out parents…our waterin’ holes and parkin places were few and far between.

So OrahLee, youngest daughter of the Universal Mother, said, “Well, you know I will just ask “Miss Universe” to be gracious and kind and open a parkin place right up in front, and I ask that there be top-shelf liquor and an experience bartender and the freshest juice available to make me one kick-ass Cosmo.” And she said it so matter-o-fact that, VeraLee and I just gasped. I mean it’s just not somethin one asked of Miss Universe. You might ask for pointy-toed high-heel boots, or one of those big-faced diamond encrusted watches, but that OrahLee would ask Miss Universe for somethin so, so, self-indulgent was almost sacrilege. We were pretty sure we would never find shoes that fit again after that little piece of bidin.

But you know, OrahLee and Miss Universe are rather close, given the crown and scepter thing and all, and sure enough, in the time it took for us to exhale a big ole Lincoln with Florida plates just pulled right out…leavin us plenty of room to pull right in, didn’t even have to go through the motions of a parallel park. We were indeed, blessed. So while we judged what we could ask Miss Universe, it seems she didn't judge us. So in unison, we gave a queenly wave and said, "Thank you Miss Universe!” We always have and we always will.

Happy Birthday VeraLee

As they woke up on the beach the morning after the birthday celebration, wondering what they had done the night before, they took comfort in the fact that they still had their hats on.

VeraLee’s birthday always marks the begin’n of summer, just like Bubba's is the harbinger of spring. Used to be we always celebrated at “Chili Beach” and I mean celebrated! When VeraLee turned 40, I shall never forget; we had salad in a bag, rosemary roasted new potatoes, lobsters cooked over hot coals, roasted corn and maybe I cut a watermelon, I'm not sure I actually cut it, cause I used to take'um and let'um roll around in the back of Bubba's truck and then just bring home again. But, be that as it may. I know DJ made and a big ole "Triffle" one year, cause we had to hide the "trifflin dish" so VeraLee wouldn't suspect anything. (Like she didn't when the lobster snapped her hand when she looked in the bucket makin noise)

For entertainment I sang the entire CD of Phantom of the Opera, even paddlin around in the mist, and I hit my note! The whole trailer court was talkin about that the next day. Corks were flyin and one even stuck itself right up on a nail on the screened in porch. We screamed...I swear Bubba aimed that sucker trying to shut me up....(Phantom of the Opera). (Mannie, the retired hitman from Jersey even came out with his piece to see what that was all about, Mannie lived in the trailer next door) But I would not be hushed because I was a "Sayra" Brightman wannabe. My favorite picture is one of me and VL lookin like a pair of stewed tomatoes after a day of sun and fun. We were holdin one of our soldiers...an empty magnum of the "Captin". We considered ourselves being "green" that way, why by two bottles when a magnum would do! (Half as much to recycle)

After the party we'd walk down to the bath house for a long hot shower and solve the problems of the world, on the way down...or back..or durin. I never took to outdoor showers, preferin to just swim with the dolphins and what ever else was in the water...those days. But we never lost our hats...not once!
So happy birthday VeraLee, thank you for sharin so many with us!

Happy Birthday Purl

I don’t know what in God’s name has gotten into me. I have missed not one, but two shout-outs to the Two Bits. First Purl, she’s our youngest and perkiest Teena, had her birthday and it’s a good thing that we walked our big ole butts down to the local for a bite to eat cause we would have been in serious trouble trying to drive and drink…I mean, jus thinkin about tryin to drive home after our celebration would have seriously dampened the evenin, which, by the way started with Ginger Martinis and ended with a bottle of champagne sent over by the owner for being such great sports. After all, it did take’um nearly four hours to git us served and out of there. But then I ask you...who in their right mind would want a Teena to leave?

We were laughin and screamin and singin, In’a-godda-da-vida honey, before the entre’ even arrived. There was one waitress and seventeen tables. Well, you just do the math, but bein it was girls night out, and two/fifths of us had been a waitress at one time in our life, we cared'”Less than nothing.”
When we left I have to say, we thought there was no way to git into any mischief between T-Buds and the Friendly Village, (given we all live about three blocks away) but nooooo, Purl heard music commin from Shenanigans and that, combined with an open door and no cover charge lead us straight into an official Two-Bit Teena danger-zone.

It all took less than five minutes, to throw down our bags, hit the dance floor, push the locals aside and just do what we do best,”Daince”. I wish you could have seen the fear in VeraLee’s eyes (see picture of her running away, above) as she just knew somebody was gonna grab her and whisper (or shout) in her ear….”Yo hair smells good!” So when she saw “handlebar mustache man” headed out way…she darted out so fast I got caught in her exit dust. But HBMM was headed straight for Purl…the curley haired blond birthday girl had herself a “main” in no time flat. So much more than we bargained for. My Lord in heaven, kant a Teena have a swing on the floor without bein’ bothered? Is it jus too much to ask? From the look on Purl’s face we tipped the band and hightailed it out…and not a moment too soon, cause the band was breakin and we knew to leave’um wantin’ more. So we hit the street, OUT LOUD. Honest to God, We laughed all the way home. I am sure had we lingered….we would have gotten a ticket for distortin’ the peace.

When we got to VeraLees , Bubba had the floodlights on, I guess so VeraLee wouldn’t stumble up the steps…and seein’ flood lights…we jus pretended her front porch was a stage and we had one last song before VL took a trip and broke both flood lights with one poke. So much for our last song!

But it was good fun and Purl showed up the next morning to work with a liter Coke under her arm and her wrap-around sunglasses on; way obvious signs of distress, even her boss commented. Well, that’s a yungun for ya, an ole Teena wouldn’t even have bothered goin’ in. So happy Birthday Purl and thanks for makin another great Teena Tail!
(Next up...Happy Birthday VeraLee)