Garden Week or the Agony and the Ecstasy of No Longer Being Trophy Wife Material

After the "Danice" incident, the Two-Bit Teenas were born. It is an amazing group of women and whenever they are together it is a memorable event. These days, life seems more complicated so it is harder to get them all in one room but whenever it happens something hilarious will result. One of our more memorable adventures was a trip to the Eastern Shore for the Garden Week tour. Needless to say we visited many a gorgeous home....of course....each with a Teena Twist. Sometime during that day it was decided that each Teena would write a summary of events. This is mine….

Friday evening, April 27, 2007
7:50 pm TeenaMobile speeds through toll booth. Bay-Bridge police alerted.
8:15 pm Teenas arrive at StingRays. Wait staff encourages us to drink.

Saturday, April 28, 2007
7:30 am During the night, the Two Bit Teenas had turned into the CRIPS
New gang motto “My way or the Ho way.”

8:30 am Breakfast of ‘taters and timber baloney.
9:15 am VeraLee puts on those old “cheapo” pants.
9:16 am Lurlene takes nap. Already too drunk to drive.
9:45 am Leave Cape Charles in Teena Mobile. Not arrested.
10:00 am Arrive at Eyre Hall.
10:15 am Bee learns that a “dependency” does not necessarily involve incontinence. A game of “I spy a dependency” begins.

10:45 am Arrive at Oak Hall in Eastville.
11:00 am Learn that an Oak is a tree.
11:15 am See a pod of deer. Call Butch.
11:30 am Take Holly to the home of a rich man with a big boat.
11:45 am We are crushed to learn that we are no longer qualified to be “trophy wives”.
11:46 am Decide we need mass quantities of alcohol.
11:55 am See a bi-plane with no apparent means of propulsion.
12:00 noon Bee consults with wocket scientists on Wallops Island
(home of the rare wed-winged wack wird).
Learns a new energy source…an engine….has been discovered.

12:15 pm Turned away from Eastville Inn. Something about a sympathetic addition.
12:16 pm Shop
1:00 pm Stop to bless Minister Horses….in the name of the father, son and the holy colt.
1:01 pm Horses reply,“Neigh thou you walk with a limp and a crick, a rod and a staff shall comfort you.”

1:02 pm Lushious requests cotton candy in Onancock or as she pronounces it "On-a-cock".
1:10 pm Arrive at yet another jewel encrusted historic home.
1:15 pm Bee charms senior gentlemen. They escort her to a reserved parking space.
1:20 pm Walk down shell driveway. Bee marvels at the way the crushed shells bring out the smell of the ocean.

1:22 pm Lushious assures frightened onlookers that this is just a supervised outing. Her report will reflect the need for more medication.

2:00 pm Sit down to lunch on a porch overlooking a mud flat.
2:05 pm Bottle of wine empty.
2:30 pm Lushious breaks restaurant bathroom.
3:00 pm Arrive at Wachapreague or as Lushious pronounces it "Watch-a-prick".
3:30 pm Arrive at Blue Crow
3:45 pm Holly breaks bathroom.
4:30 pm Return to Cape Charles.
4:31 pm Collapse.


Future Teena Tours:
Lushious would like to visit Onley/On-a-cock in Hack-a-Mac near Ass-a-woman. With a stop at Dave’s Pet Peeves.
Better Hard-n-up.

“I pity d’fool that tours with the Teenas.”

Daince?

You know I don't need words..."yo hair smells gooood," says it all.
I happened to have my sketch pad on hand and worked this little ditty out while Coral Lee was wigglin her way out of the "hold."

Two Bit Teena and the Wild Clematis

As 2009 draws to a close, I thought it was time for a bit of reflection. Long, long ago there was no Lurlene and Vera Lee....there was only Jayne and Coralee. They were two friends who loved an adventure....although Jayne was always more game for a throw down.

So...with that in mind....here is the tale of how one story began....on a day in June, long ago....two friends in a Volvo 240 heading down the road to Cape Charles.


Two Bit Teena and the Wild Clematis

Chapter One: Hand brake. Heart break.
Her husband tried to keep her at home in a most ingenious manner. But luckily Jayne was known for her strong right arm. It was rumored that she could snap a man’s neck with her thighs….and off they went

Chapter Two: Jumbo, would you like fires with that?
Sign of the cross…Coralee crossed herself while on the clover leaf as the wicked Walmart was on the right….all in the pursuit of BBQ. It’s okay if you don’t go back the same way you came.

Chapter Three: Coming Home to Jesus
My keys won’t work, my cart won’t start. How the hell did I leave this house without Cooks in the frig? For God sake put Jesus in the icebox.
Thank goodness Jayne never leaves without the Captain by her side. Just put an ice cube in Jesus and let’s head to the beach.
My God….don’t you have a pilsner?

Chapter Four: Five Dollar Steak Night with Two Bit Tina and the Ageing Elvis
Two bit and her Back up Boys, Elvis-Orbison, had a hot set that featured all their favorites. There was Stevie, Dave, that girl Shayna (an Indian name you know) but what got us to our feet was the unheard of possibility of sitting out the last dance. So when Coralee turned to Jayne and said “Let’s do it”….up they popped like corks from a bottle of Cooks and shook with the locals while mosquitoes buzzed above and the smell of the fry baby wafted over head.

Chapter Five: Danz….Danse…Let’s Daince or Does My Ass Look Big or Is There a Picnic Table Stuck Up My Butt?
They must have given off the sweet scent of ladies on the lose cause Bubba and Tavi moved in with the old divide and conquer. The second set hadn’t started but the box was loaded with slow grinders…locals paired up and danced cheek to cheek. Soon Bubba asked Jayne…the age old question. “Daince?” “Okay,” she said without a second glance at Coralee. Soon Coralee found herself in the arms of Tavi Man who said “Yo hair smell good.” Yes indeed her hair smelled of fresh fried potatoes.
Coralee found herself without words, without breath and without memory—she felt the picnic table pull ever so tighter and she wondered if the song would ever end.

Chapter Six: Let’s Go, Let’s Go NOW!

Weasel Time

I used to read animal cards and signs in the bare bones of winter trees, but lately, I’ve jus taken to readin martini swirls. Got to get back to nature I think.

But anyway, its weasel season…and Vera Lee who took to callin me the white-haired weasel did me a fine turn. Let me tell you about weasels. Well, one little known fact is that Weasels have glands that produce a strong smell and some people claim that their musk is stronger than the skunk's. Giv'n tonight and my attack of Southern wind, I would say that is indeed a truism. I remember my silver lame shoes…they were a joy to have on my feet, but Lord did they stink. And you know, the funny thing was, I could put my feet right up on the table and not even know it until people started pullin back. Sonny was the best at it...God Ormond, put your pointy-toed silver shoes back on your stinky dawgs! (I miss that man)

But anyone who knows me will tell you, I have always said, “You cann’t smell what you live with” and that’s a true Weasel inner fact. Most of us are blind to our own short’cummins but quick to see’um in others. It’s a shame, I got to take more time to, (quote the poet, Michael Jackson) "look at the weasel in the mirror!" But be that as it may, there is some good Weasel medicine and I am not gonna deny that while I may not be a flawless weasel, I’m a good scout…cause I can smell a rat. The silent and graceful weasel (I can be graceful…and silent…especially when I am sneekin) imparts the ability go unseen and unheard into places to be able to observe what is happening, then discern what’s important. You see, lots of folks jus bombard you with Blah…Blah…Blah…and wear you down before they say one thing of relevance, but bein a weasel, I can always pick up on what is not said. Like I told a friend of mine one time…look for what’s missin from that story and you’ll come closer to the truth.

But bare with me for jus a few more Weasel facts, cause Weasel symbolizes quick movement, justice achieved, retribution, stealth, warrior energy, fierceness, curiosity, discernment, tenacity and cunning. She gives people the ability to use one’s intuition to see the intent behind words and acts and not to underestimate others. I’m not sayin Weasel doesn’t trust, she does…she just roots around a little more.

Don’t ask me what got me started on this, I think I just wanted to post my favorite weasel picture. So bein a drama queen, I wrote all of this to say, hey, Winter is here, time to go inward...its Weasel Time. May the seeds you sew this season bring blessings in the next.

Donkey Chow

If there is one thing a Teena knows about it's the power and love of donkey. Now, donkey goes way back and has a rich history, just check out the internet and you will learn a thing or two about donkey. But what you won't learn is that to be Donkey to a Teena is a powerful gesture of love and support. Jus ask VeraLee who has been Donkey to me for Lord knows how long. Bottom line is, Donkey is a friend who carries you...she carries your troubles like her own, she shares the load and then some. Donkey is also stubborn and sometimes will not take "No" for an answer...oh...whe will nag, but long with that nagg'n comes love and loyalty and she will often support you against her better judgement. That's the spirit of Donkey. But I gotta add, you can also dump on her, like when you don't want to carry your camera or wallet...and she has a big ole pockabook.

But anyway, this all started because I found this recipe for Donkey Chow that I wanted to share, and if you have a donkey I know they would just love it.

Donkey Chow
1 bushel carrots, chopped
1 bushel apples, chopped
6 pounds mixed nuts
1 bushel basket of organic granola
3 pounds raisins
1 pound lemongrass
1 pound sugar cubes (donkeys have a sweet tooth)
Mix all together and serve in several sturdy but festive wheel-barrows. (That's my favorite part...festive wheel-barrows...can't you jus see'um)

But be that as it may...if your donkey is a drinkin donkey, like most Teena Donkeys are, then just pop a cork and poor into a tall thin glass, or...what VeraLee and I learned, was you can use a pilsner, its kinda like a super-sized champagne flute anyway if you think about it...and that will split a bottle right in two and you don't have to get up off the sofa except if you want more taquitoes.

Honest, in this season of great potential for love and caring, remember to be more like donkey...and less like Ass!

More donkey lore to come.

Last Piece

I ate ten cookies yesterday...but I left a slice of pie.
A girl must prioritize you know, it's the eat'n season and that's got me worried.