Deep as Mud...

You have to understand, Vera Lee is deep as mud and just as dangerous. Mud's tricky, it takes "learnin." Try readin' mud next time you cut across a field in the pick-up, or go junkin' when the tide is out....or the stream looks dry. Honest, I put Mud grips on The Benz when we bought the "Farmacy" and I still took a slide.

But enough of Mud!

Veral Lee is really sharp, she's about the smartest of all the Teena's...I say "About" becasue there are some things she just does not know squat about. (Now Orah Lee will talk to you about squat) But she is shrewed...and Lord knows, don't "Bet" her. Bubba told me that a long time ago. This woman, he said, will not take a bet if there's a snowflakes in hell she's not gonna win. He said he won't bet her and just shook his head when I just put that little piece of advice on the back burner, cause that was all the warnin' a white haired weasel needed. "Let the games begin" I said to myself! And that was the begin'in of a beautiful friendship.

All this to say...I sent Vera Lee an invitation to join me here at "Just Mustard." She sees things from a different perspective...Remember she's deep, so you will get a chance to move out of "fry baby" and into the the "Mud Slide."

I bet her she could figure this all out...so lets just see how long it takes her to say her piece. She is gonna talk to you about her revelations on "Chopped Salad" while she was in Vegas. She's worth the wait! Start countin'. How many days will it take her to git here?

It's Lee...Like the General

Or...Yeah...But another curse.

In the South, we love our Lee’s and spread’um around as generous as salt on pork.

My Daddy’s Momma was a South Carolina Lee and my Momma’s Momma was a North Carolina Lee and then we have the Lee cousins in Rockmart, Georgia and so on.

My Daddy’s middle name was Lee and my brother was named after him ‘cause we love our “Juniors.”

My uncles on my Mamma and my Daddy’s side had a Lee in their name and then there are the Teena’s; Vera Lee, Orah “MeMe” Lee, (and there was Praleen but she changed her name and left town...don't get me started) and then there is me…I’m the all dragged out Lurleeeeeen! (be sure and cock your head to the side and smile when you say that)

My Momma’s Momma who was Maude Lee, jus’ said, “enough is enough!” when she named my Momma she stopped the madness…but in so doin, put in motion the granddaddy of all curses “the shame of havin’ no middle name!”

I’m telling you…that’s when the madness began. She just felt cheated that’s all and it stays with you…it does…it’s like you are always makin up for that one moment…right after labor when your momma was too darn tired to even think up a middle name. (It may have been a good thing cause my Grandmomma Maude was a cussin' woman, and my Momma says I am just like her..and her eyes narrow a bit when she says it...and her lip twitches) And even if you marry, you’re still a name short…it’s just not right.

My momma told me that she used to pretend that her middle name was Rose and I suppose flower names are alright although I prefer Lilly, maybe cause you can still hear the little Lee if you say it jus’ right.

Applause

Well, maybe we’re all hungry…I don’t know. Seems like when I was small, if you were good, well, that was just it…you were good and no one noticed much cause you didn’t “stir up much dust.”

Now my brother…he couldn’t go anywhere without a creatin’ a little cyclone of trouble and mess. He was…well, to me…he was just an "ill wind" if you know what I mean. I knew there was gonna be confusion from the very moment his feet hit the floor in the morning until he would run down the hall at night, leavin’ me to turn out all the lights after stayin’ up late and watchin’ Sci-Fi Theater. But, I’d do it to…and never say a word…cause I learned early that dogs can smell fear, and I figured that went for brothers too.

But be that as it may…back to the point.
One mornin’ I was sittin’ at the breakfast table in peace and quiet because “the wind” hadn’t gotten up yet, when momma tossed in a single tater in the pan to “test tha heat” she liked to say.

It took a minute… but then I heard it…a pan full of taters just clappin! It was like those taters knew, “this child could use a round of applause!” Well, I threw my hands up in the air and stood up right there and took a bow and said, “Thank you…thank you so very much.”

Momma just smiled and held her fry flapper in the air like a wand and said, “Oh, you’re welcome honey, "now run get your brother up, he’s gonna’ be late for breakfast.”
(I love taters...and today is my Momma's birthday..so thank you Momma.)

But there's more...
So I knew Martha Stewart often stole my ideas because I would tell Vera Lee about my gourd idea or set the dining room table with old mason jar candle holders only to see it on page 27 of Martha Stewart Livin' the very next month. But this one was a real mind boggler, being it came from a Spanish lady and wasn’t about a tater at all.

From the short story, Remember the Alamo, by Sandra Cisneros, 1992.

“……When I was a kid and my ma added the rice to the hot oil, you know how it sizzles and spits, it sounds kind of like applause, right? Well, I’d always bow and say Gracias, mi querido pulico, thank you and blow kisses to an imaginary crowd. I still do, kind of as a joke. When I make Spanish rice or something and add it to oil. It roars, and I bow, just a little so no one would guess, but I bow, and I’m still blowing kisses, only inside.


I wish I had thought of the part about still blowin kisses…inside…that’s magic!

Vera Lee and Bubba

...are on vacation! I got word from her Saturday during our usual 9:00 o'clock wake up call, except it was 7:00 o'clock where they were...out west. But she is havin a blast, said they have prostitute callin cards that folks just give out on the street, like we have flyers on our windshield when we come out of Walmart. I ask her to collect a few for me, I like to know what those girls charge.

Anyway, she told me she took Bubba to a Mexican restaurant to meet the Tequila Goddess, but that she was out havin' a baby and then Vera Lee said, that that was alright because the world could use a few more Tequila Goddesses. I loved that.

Back home, we're hoping Vera Lee's old car won't get towed because today is street cleanin day. We tried to move it...pushed it across the street for one side, but gittin it back was kinda "up-hill" so Mr. Pat, (our old manager from when we usta sing with the Fabulous Neons) went out to try and start it because the battery is plum dead...and ended up havin the door slam shut on him with the keys in tha car..and it locked! Mr. Pat was late for his day job and called me to see if I had a set of keys, but I didn't...But I told him to go on and I put a sign on the windshield, "Vera Lee and Bubba are on vacation so please do not tow this car, the keys are in it!" I hope that works! I'll keep an eye on it.

Curse Words

My daddy used to tell me that as soon as you start short’cuttin your message with four letter words that people just stop listening to you and you loose. And ya’ll already know, Teena Lurlene hates to loose.

Curse words mean something different in the South, they make you stop and think, or if done with real skill, doubt. And once you start doubtin’, well, it takes over and unless you are pretty strong, you’re likely to end up frettin’, then you just start to unravel just a little bit at a time.

Doubt does that. And jus when you think you’ve got it licked….it comes back. Curse words are hard to decipher, they come all pretty and sometimes start with a "blessin’ of your heart"and that takes you off guard..cause you think someone cares, but they don’t.

Blessin the heart is like the sign of the cross for a “cursin woman.” It's like sayin' "Father forgive me" before you do somethin you know is wrong. Just remember that and if someone “blesses your heart”, stop listenin' and start hummin! Do what ever it takes to block the stuff that comes after the "heart blessin." Excuse yourself for a minute. You have to fight fire with fire, it’s something you have to master.

A skilled “cursin woman” can deflect a “Heart Blesser” with just a little cock of the head and the right choice of words. I call them “Seed Planters” cause they look you in the eye and the “seed” is carried on the words..like, "Honey, you look a little peaked, have you been feeling alright?" Seed planters do that...and and then there you are...feelin peaked. The words go in your ear and right into the brain unless you are really fast and have already started hummin’. The humm doesn’t have to be “out loud,” it can just take place in your head, like a secret weapon. Seed planters are dangerous. There are other curses too, but I’ll save that for another time.